Costume Tips

Going as a Rubik’s Cube will only frustrate fellow guests and leave you exceptionally sore.

As clever as you might believe it to be, never dress as the ghost of a recently shot celebrity.

Try to be original, last year three people came to our party dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

Should you and your significant other go to the party as a pimp and his whore, please understand that conclusions will be drawn.

Any costume that requires an assistant or colostomy bag for regular bladder relief is far too complicated of an outfit.

Nothing combines tragedy and comedy like the sight of someone floating dead in the swimming pool dressed as Spongebob Squarepants.

Carefully choose a costume that will not dislodge your hairpiece

When opting for a homemade costume, know that there is a fine line between expressing one’s immense creativity and revealing one’s abject poverty.

Your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Celeron Chip" costume that was a big hit with the other engineers at the office might not be as funny in the real world. 

Practice your Mr. Ed voice so when it is suggested that you go as Mr. Ed you don't have to be the ass.

An “ironic costume” is a 6’9” man dressed as a member of the Lollipop Guild. Not a 240-pound man dressed as Strawberry Shortcake.

If you wish for you and your husband to go as George Sand and Franz Liszt and he wishes that you both go as Dastardly and Mutley, consider yours a “starter marriage.”

If you find yourself repeatedly exclaiming, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone know the works of John Cassavetes!” you’ve clearly dressed up as far too obscure of a movie character.

You practiced your Mr. Ed voice already didn't you!

Unless it involves learning all the lyrics to “I Want to Know What Love Is,” do not go dressed up as a “foreigner.”

Don’t drink to the point that you begin to mistake your costume for your uniform.

Going as a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome not only eliminates the need for a particular wardrobe but also allows you to express yourself in ways you never imagined permissible in polite society or an office party.

You and your friends can only remain dressed as a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for so long before tensions start to rise.

Any Halloween costume that requires a concealed weapon is perhaps one best left on the drawing board.

If you attend a Halloween party dressed as an alcoholic—and you are in fact an alcoholic—appreciate the awkward situation that you have just created for your host.

Play to the judges, you may not win best costume if you go as Marilyn Manson when Laura Bush is the judge.

While he may very well be your hero, only dress up as Nelson Mandela if you are indeed black.

No matter what the costume, don’t wear a dog collar unless a good 80% of the partygoers are sporting leather and zipper masks.

You will not be the only one dressed as a Hooters waitress at the party. You will not be the only one dressed as a pimp at the party. But you could be the only one dressed as Terri Schiavo at the party.

Forget Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. There is no more frightening of a costume than a clown carrying a bloody knife and dragging a full, leaking Hefty bag.

Expect stuff to get thrown at you if you go dressed as a garbage can or dunking machine.

Should more than five people look at your costume and utter, “I don’t get it,” you might have overestimated the general public’s grasp of 17th century social satire.

Never tell your wife the WITCH costume is perfect for her.

Additional Tips

When writing an invitation for an adult Halloween party, try avoiding such uninspired descriptors as “bone-chilling,” “monstrous,” “ghoulish” or “BYOB.”

Never fashion your jack-o-lantern in the image of your Mother-in-law.

A really scary room at your party could be the step by step demonstration of how a chicken becomes a mcnugget.

Go bobbing for apples in vodka. See who’s the first not to resurface.

Wander around your neighborhood dressed in a HAZMAT costume…three full days before Halloween.

When trick-or-treaters ask if you’ll put change for their orange UNICEF coin boxes, launch into a wild-eyed rant against one-world governments, the Illuminati, Masons and the Trilateral Commission. Make sure no children leave without literature from Lyndon LaRouche.

Clad your children in shirts two sizes too small and shoes three times too big. Have them go door-to-door requesting food staples.

Decorate your yard with fake tombstones. Have each feature the birth and projected death date of a neighbor.

Don't drink so much that you hook up with the witch who used the pick-up line "Would you like to ride my broomstick"

Never let small children carve pumpkins. They take forever and the world needs another “triangle-eyed” Jack O’ Lantern like it needs another smallpox epidemic.

When designing a fun costume for your kid, remember, they don’t have a fucking clue who “Teen Wolf” was.

Indulge in your worst passive-aggressive tendencies by covering your next-door neighbor’s house with eggs and toilet paper Halloween night and then spending the next morning standing alongside them on their front lawn, gazing at your work and muttering “damn kids.”

When telling your kids scary bedtime stories, try not to end every single tale with “And then you and your brother were left to fend for yourselves.”

If you get into a vicious bar fight while dressed as Flower from “Bambi’ we all die a little inside.

Screaming, “Bring it on!” whenever children yell “Trick or treat!” at your door may result in a visit from the local police.

Playing "Pin the tail on the hemophiliac" is never a good idea, even on Halloween.

Always inspect your kids’ candy, making sure to hurl the Bit O’ Honeys and tiny Chiclets boxes back at the cheap-ass neighbors who gave them.

No matter how much your kids promise to not leave their bedrooms, no self-respecting parent should throw an “Eyes Wide Shut” masked ball.

Put aluminum foil orthodontic braces on the uneven teeth of neighborhood jack-o-lanterns.

Make sure your guest is wearing a costume before telling them "Hey Great Lyle Lovett Costume"

Nothing good can come from waking the dead, or someone who has drank an awful lot.

Most Importantly:  Account for every guest, especially the older guests, after the guy in the grim reaper outfit leaves the party.